sunday night

If I can't have you, I'll throw my love into the deep blue sea

The good olde fresh rainy days are gone. But now that they are I can see clouds blooming from my window.

When I read about postmodernism and structuralism and all the things i thought i'd never care about, i realised it was just like the things that have been bothering me like a nagging stormcloud. And after endless rambles it all means, how do you live your life? Do you eat meat even if you can't kill a chicken? Do you shop at Gap? Do you really need to use a computer? Why did you think you had to go to university? And why the hell did you need a feature wall in your garden that consists of rectangular stones? And what does it all mean? Oh shut up.

If I am penny, I made friends with a lucy who cut my hair and orchid incense was burning in the toilet while olde chinese songs played, that seemed to come out of a moldy old grammophone, sung by women with black curly neat hair, red pins and tight cheongsams.

I tested my phone card and called Ibrahim in new york, he was still working in the park. It was a pitter pattery friday. 'Ello, it is Ibrahim' which made me squeal and jump. 'OH- XJ! How arr yoo!' And then after a while he passed the phone to Sakir. 'XJ? Where arr yoo! Where arr yoo! Where arr yoo! OH- Singaporr!' and then after a while he passed the phone back to Ibrahim. 'Where. Is. Desire? Thank you forr calling. I vill call yoo soon. Okay. Take care.' Then I called Nelson. Desire wasn't there but when i called her right after to tell her about it she knew how exciting it all was. It made my day.

When I swam with elysia last night she (wearing a body float) alternated between ordering me to let go ("I count 1 2 3 you swim away okay?!") and then clinging onto me like a baby duck ("Euh I scared!") and ended up clinging since her brother kept scaring her and when we neared this thing that shoots water out in a gentle arc of a stream into the pool, which I told her once was urine to get her into the big pool (though i don't understand the connection anymore) i said 'Eh let's go touch the shi shi!' 'I don't want!!!!!' 'Wait. Do you really think it's shi shi?' -looks around like a lost duckling, not answering- 'Do you really think they will put shi shi in the pool?' '....No.' 'Then do you think it's shi shi?' '....Yes.' When she finally touched it she smiled and said, 'Like shi shi leh.'

Here's the mail it never fails
It makes me wanna wag my tail
When it comes I wanna wail....
MAILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

:-)

881

sticking yellow chrysanthemums and white flowers in my grandfather's gravestone grass on national day, his death anniversary. Elysia (wearing the magic pants i got her) never saw him or knew him. She is holding her storybook/sticker book.

I took my father and grandmother to watch 881 today (i say that because i was taking my grandmother and my father came along at my persuasion) and it was great. Not just because it was local (which already kind of makes it awesome). Anyway, we watched it at GV Yishun, and it was buzzing. The cinema was filled with families, ah pehs, ah sohs, people who brought their very old parents. It was nice that they came specially! (except bad GV played english ads and my grandmother who doesn't understand started yawning) And this will never be witnessed anywhere else in the world: (as we were finding our seats. read carefully and imagine hor) an ah-peh holding, like a kid, a packet of popcorn in the semi-dark, digging his nose with his pinky, then looking at me with a blank look as he realised i saw him at it. Tsk tsk tsk...ah-peh......li jia mi kia ah si ai aw pi sai ah?....AND THEN HOR, at one of the most climatic parts, this man's handphone rang and he answered it and started speaking loudly in hokkien and lydat not enough, he must still turn to his wife and ask her somethings in hokkien and den finish talking on his phone leh. People on the screen dying still want to talk. Make me want to shout, 'diam lah!!!!!!!!!!'

:-)

Sometimes it's the most grotesque and crudest parts of singapore that make me love it here.

nelson and rain

I LOVE LUCY


Me and Nelson, at my friday the 13th surprise birthday party, that desiree did, at the yellow umbrellas behind martha's ice cream, with twenty tiny red fluttering hearts and twenty candles on a peanut butter ice cream cake that was in danger of melting because when she told me to 'go buy ice cream' with her i told her i needed to pee. I really thought we were going to fry plain omelettes for dinner that night. I love lucy! I blew all the candles out in one breath after taking some time to make a wish. Nelson came though he wasn't feeling too good. He was extremely proud of the card he picked out, of an ape picking her nose, and on the inside it said 'XJ, I picked out something really nice for your birthday. Love and peace, Nelson.' And he gave me The White Album (!) which he knew i always wanted. Anyway, I miss him. He was one of the best friends we made there. Though when we 3 go out for dinner we sometimes don't know what to say, and he is tired and grumpy sometimes, but when it was nice it was wonderful, seeing him in the park after a tired day at work, and he shouts at us across the summer air 'Hello ladies!' or 'Hello beautifuls!' and always wears mad ties with his food safety thermometer in his front pocket. He's an olde hippy (well not that old). The only time we took booth photos with anyone else we took 2 with him, squeezing into the booth and had to do it twice because the first time you couldn't see us. And he took us to the drive-in and read my palm. And he told us about Edy's strawberry frozen fruit bar. So anyway, even though he hasn't replied my email I will find him the taschikis i promised and if the snail mail gets to him he will send us dreamcatchers made from natural materials he picked up, and read desiree's palm when she sends him a paint impression of her left palm. Some people are meant to meet, and Nellie, we miss ye. You have to believe in some things in this crazy world, and as nelson edward always thought, friendship is something to believe in.

Why is rain so nice? Yesterday I had a strangely fulfilling lesson learning how to use, in a basic way, an intermediately advanced videocamera. It felt like once you know how to use it, everything else depends on your imagination and how you turn the knobs or press the buttons. Isn't it funny that all your favourite movies, be it the royal tenenbaums or amelie or anything, in a way go down to delicate turns of knobs and buttons? So a moviemaker has to love his/her camera. I was glad I learnt it for I just remembered that magical movie ending that came to me long ago. Today I drove to school at 40 km/h in super heavy rain and real slow traffic listening to Sondre Lerche (You Knocked Me Off My Feet). O why can't it rain more. Today after a lecture of which we hardly paid attention, vivi, ling and i went to eat hot waffles at canteen 2 when it was raining out. Then we drove to newton listening to some strange lush cd with french songs in it. They got off and I registered for french at alliance whoopee. And it rained nearly all day! And my cousin bathes at least 4 times a day! And he changes his clothes every time, causing a problem with hanging clothes at his house! And his father told him to bathe for one minute each time or don't bathe! And his mother said 'you put too much soap is it?! Why you take so long?! Next time don't put so much soap!!!!' And once he tickled his brother when his brother needed to shit but was drinking milk from the milk bottle and then he shat in his pants and cried saying 'ko ko make me da bian'.

home

my magic cave when I just came back

When I run dry, I stop awhile and think of you

Sitting here sweating like a pig on a cool evening (why is singapore so bloody hot?), I just remembered that one of the nicest parts about working at the park was when it's around evening, and all the guests (yes, they call the customers guests. 'guest service!!!!!') are slowly leaving the park with their gigantic soft toys (giant red lizards two people have to carry, giant spidermen, crazy fur hats, neon turtles, bright pink unicorns) and there's hardly anyone around. It's peaceful then, with golden clouds. And with little/no violent and reckless people at go-karts we get to sit and chat, fantasize about what we're going to cook for dinner (the best dinners were the fried rice desiree and i made), drive the go-karts around madly violating all the rules we repeat vehemently to the violent creatures, and if we're at the rockwall/trampoline, talk to the people passing by who are usually too busy in the day to stop for a chat, like Ibrahim (turkish guy, our good friend whom we took to the movies at the mall) and Kyle (Napoleon Dynamite). Life seemed simpler then, being at Queensbury during summer, which is an exciting time for people there, it seems like summertime is the special happy-time of the year, places are buzzing, things are happening. So we work almost everyday, at gokarts or at the rockwall and giant trampoline, make friends with romanians, turkish, old guys at the park, everyone, buy our groceries at wonderful wal-mart, go for a movie at night, go somewhere for internet or chop veggies and make fried rice or pasta, do laundry, watch stupid shows like the biggest loser and clean house, wait for our off-days, hop on the fire-engine-red summer trolley and for a dollar stop anywhere in the area. And think about life. Oh boy.

And now it is thursday and it is raining outside and it is a peaceful day. The strangest thing I've done since coming back is visit castle green though I now stay at springleaf. Driving into the carpark was so familiar, and then the sound of the lift, the smell of the house, the smallness of it compared to this monstrosity we're now living in, my peach curtains in my small room. And i felt sad thinking it was probably the last time I would ever be in the house.

There was a really special and beautiful obituary in the papers 2 days ago. The header was My Love, followed by a nice picture of a happy woman, and sub-headings 'The way you are, My Special Girl Friday, when will you return....' And then a strange little paragraph going 'The girl I love to be marooned on a deserted island 14/08/06, You left without saying goodbye, I cannot let go. You walk in front, I totter behind. Tail-end Robert' and Robert listed himself as 'Husband: Robert Teo Architect'

I hope that when university is over I won't feel as if I have awoken from a dream I wish I never had. Is it strange, to feel so far removed from what they are talking about in class? Actually i dont care (and never will) about the history of communication studies, or postmodernism or anything like that, dang it all the way to bukit timah shit. Do you, dear reader?! Oh my I'm not even halfway to finishing! Someone sweep me away to turkey or mauritius and let's get married there!!!!!

p.s. comments finally work here!

howdy doo

We are here in Albany now, a peaceful lovely place with crazy clouds, sunshine, wooden houses and quaint shops, purple flowers, dandelions, yellow chrysanthemums, wal-mart and an outdoor wooden-looking amusement park (where we're working). Flights are miserable, but it's worth getting to where you want to go! The best parts of L.A. were venice beach, a crazy bohemian hippy happyhouse asylum place that felt like the 60s and this guy sat near us as we ate fish and chips by the pacific ocean and sang beegees and beatles. He sang norwegian wood and octopus' garden and we got beatles posters, johnny cash shirts, and crazy stuff. And the SUBURBAN HEAT as we took the public bus for an hour to hollywood and downtown L.A., among the 'hood and where people live and the shops, and all the houses and shops are aqua coloured, salmon coloured, dark blue, red, yellow, with handpainted signs. It was like in napoleon dynamite. Anyhow, for full details and mad sounds see desiree's blog (i didnt bring my laptop and internet is hard to come by), iloveamelica.blogspot.com

YAHOO

Two of us riding nowhere
Spending someone's hard-earned pay

These past few days i have been swathed with harry potter and clouds. Good ol' harry potter. There's nothing like warm lights, fireplaces, 'flagons of pumpkin juice', lawns, lighted common rooms and wooden wands. Did anyone notice that saturday was an amazingly cloudy day? There were clouds of all kinds, the huge, glorious fiery ones that puff magnificently and seem nearer, the further away, more wispy ones, and the kind that streaks across the sky very lightly like a patch of feathers, made up of a spread of very organised wispy clouds, far and lovely. That's called cirrus i think. And there's also the kind that eventually joins up in huge puffs, like a very white pouffy cake. Anyway it was really amazing. Sunday was like that too and i took some amazing pictures. I just can't imagine anyone dying in the last harry potter book. Maybe Snape will, after harry finds out he's good. He'll hold harry's hand and cry out his last words, everyone reading will let out a huge sob, and then he'll just...expire. 'Barking mad.....!'

Lou: Are ye sure ye don't want an ice cream?
Andy (staring at the floor in his wheelchair): Yeah.
Lou: But you said it was the perfect compliment to a hot summer's day!
Andy: Yeah i know.
Lou: So do you want an ice cream?
Andy: No.
Lou: Are ye sure? Because if we went away and you say you want one, it would be a right kerfuffle.
Andy: I don't want one.
(they go away)
Andy: I want an ice cream.

midsummer night's dream

A Midsummer Night's Dream

there's nothing quite as magical and splendid as outdoor theatre in nature. tonight there were throngs of shrieking and hooting st nicks girls, people who brought pillows, cheese and red wine, babies dressed like fairies with wings and glitter, damp grass, trees, a few stars, clouds and a full moon. along with sweaty running actors and their sprays of spit under the glaring light and wonderful words floating and booming around. it was super lovely. nay, in some way, it was glorious!

*:-D

beatles video

The Beatles- Real Love

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Dpns-QspX04

the most splendid beatles video ever

elvis makes me cry

Elvis makes me cry

I never thought i'd say this but consumerism is evil. Despite how you might think you can't deny your desires to shop or possess things, and how the shopaholic series might make it all seem rather adorable, and how it's sort of funny that women love/need shopping (well men do too now, my brother has more expensive taste than me now, imagine that), it's still sort of evil and unnatural. The desire to enter big bright malls with made-up sales people, consciously-dressed shoppers, big price tags that would give your grandmother a heart attack, and clothes that so did not originate from there (indian, hippie), so as to search for clothes that would make you feel good about yourself, can't be a very splendid thing. And actually the vehement way i'm putting it makes it feel kind of revolting and senseless.

I will try to stop feeling so emotionally attached to the old house though it's my favourite place in the world, so that one day when and if it ever gets sold my heart won't break too much.

"Life is cruel, protect yourself."
Mary Smith

But no, that would be silly too.

huckleberry

That would be a pretty howdy-do, wouldn't it?

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn will make you feel like a boy on a crazy adventure. Which is one of the best feelings in the world.

My brother is back from bmt for a bit. We picked him up for the first time last night after his first 2 weeks. A clump of parents were crowding around the bus door, yes the door where their boys (oh i mean men) emerged, no doubt to manly slaps and motherly hugs. We stood rather far from that scene, in front of the mrt station, with another group of parents/girlfriends/grandmas/siblings. It was lovely because there was an old indian man standing by the side, barely lit by the street lamps, but his music just floating through the night as all these people awaited. He played on his electric guitar some early rock and roll, some elvis, donny osmond (a song about paper planes). He played so simply and his singing was nice. Oh it was lovely and nostalgic. What made a man come out of his house on a friday night to stand in a dark corner and play, when it's obvious he won't get much money at all? I guess he just loved doing it, which is the loveliest thing of all.

We watched Elvis: The Lost Performances in my auntie's room and baby was dancing, they were all dancing. Now Elvis is cool. That white suit! With a v all the way to his stomach, and the bell bottoms. And his hair with those sideburns, and his mighty gold rings. "you ain't!" (nothin but a hound dog) Elvis the Pelvis. Elvis is lovely.

We're leaving in 2 weeks. And you can say that i am very desperate to get my hands on a beautiful hardcover copy of harry potter and the deathly hallows, oh to touch that embossed cover and see the tiny stars in the book and just paying for the bloody book and i am very desperate to just sit and read and not know the ending from any little kid i'm buckling up on a rollercoaster. does it sound crazy? but you have to be irrational, or what, risk hearing 'Harry died! Snape killed him!' and then you can just knock your head against the wall. so, dear friends, pray for our success in this important quest. and though i may sound irrational, it is the last book of the series, which i've read since i was 10 or 11. there's just going to be madness when it comes out. someone won't leave her house till her mother goes out -to the danger zone- and buys the book, they're setting up counselling helplines in case someone important in the book dies, people might get arrested for revealing the ending (hopefully!!!!!!!!!), tv stations forbidden from mentioning the ending. crazy things are going to happen to the muggle world, beware!

lumos!

earthlike planet

Scientists find most Earthlike planet yet

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18293978/

Mankind's rarest view: Earth from afar

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18202449/

libre!

keeping an eye on the world going by my window

Is it fer real?! I just had me last exam. Of the first year of university.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I still feel like it wasn't long ago I was sitting in literature class in jc and everyone was stubbornly staring downwards as Harris posed a question, or sitting around the garden tables in the magical sunlight.

Ah.....!

French words are swirling in my head as the last exam was French and the comprehension passage was horoscope predictions. And one of the later questions was something like, Quelle exactement vous commencez a etudier pour cette examen? And the answer was Depuis le___. So i filled in 'matin aujourd'hui'. And some other thing i wrote water from the hill. Je ne sais pas! Je veux acheter des choses pour ma nouvelle chambre mais mon pere ne me permets pas. Je veux lire les livres 3,4,5,6 de harry potter et vivre sans ma famille, donc je peux faire de la cuisine, faire la maison, rester a mon lit pendant la nuit et penser des choses. Nous allons demenager et cette maison, il me manque. Ma chambre est merveilleux pendant la nuit.

Whats-her-name and i are leaving in 18 days!! Oh my, oh my. Scuttle scuttle. Choose a suitcase. Make a list. Call America. Pack everything. Instruct family. Leave for adventure. Take 50 hours of plane rides. Have a lovely time. You know before you leave for somewhere there are things you unconsciously somehow fix in your head, things you think you are going to see? I keep thinking and being excited about...flea markets, quaint shops, people with mad hair, little theatre shows. I have also imagined new york through Catcher in the rye and Extremely loud and incredibly close. Holden and Oskar. Oskar....

There's so much to do you could just lie in bed all night, covered by your warm sheets, staring at the smooth ceiling, thinking about it.

rattail

Rattail braids














http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rattail_%28haircut%29
pictures from flickr people who like taking rattails

whoo

WHOOO

sheriff

A sheriff and her horse

mon frere et moi

Trees, swaying in the summer breeze
showing off their silver leaves
as we walk by

let it be

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me

Mary in the song was Paul's mother. And when he sings 'When i wake up to the sound of music' he means Yesterday. The last time i woke up to any sound of music was C.R.A.Z.Y, drifting in one morning with peach curtains and light blue walls. I have to admit that I am extremely, maybe overly, seduced by the idea of a family home. All the cans in the kitchens, baked beans, pineapples, tuna, functional kitchen counters, toilets filled with crazy soaps and towels and littered with gross clothes, messy bedrooms with bookcases, ticket stubs and forms and letters strewn around. I don't really know why.

My grandmother bought her urn yesterday. (Insane!) It cost $8000 and she got one for my grandfather too, for whenever he is exhumed. She says it's normal and some friends do it. She found it shocking and weird when i asked about keeping her ashes like they do in movies. Anyway i just want to keep a little of her in a pendant, her mixed with my grandfather. But then it is crazy to think that someday she will be reduced to ashes. All those wrinkles, her moronic moles and icky curly hair and spider veins and fat hips and bunion.

Dammit.

NS

Gones are the day...

where boys had to queue up to call their family/girlfriend using 10 cent public phones in NS. My friends, my brother went to NS today! We took a ferry to pulau tekong (some parts of it that spread out from the island seemingly untouched looked a little like the beach in The Return, with all that sky). Oh but before that, at the terminal, when we just arrived, this guy was walking around looking rather severely at all the 'enlistees' and saying things. When he came to us (remember we had barely arrived) he ordered my brother, 'Tuck in.' in front of us!! I had to laugh. Boys around were tucking in their shirts into their low jeans or already had them tucked in. And there were all these huge photos plastered on the walls, the army's publicity. 'Every soldier is a leader'. Ooooh. And after that, as you walk towards the ferry, a whole stretch of such awe-inspiring words hung from the ceiling, like Perseverance, Professionalism, Courage, Human Spirit and things like that. Well my father started rattling on 'Professionalism! Makes me think of my NS time. Wah...they told me to take a week off and go to the library and research to write a speech for the minister of defence. in the end i was so proud when mine was chosen. he was saying his speech then wah, how come sound like my one ah?' Who knows how he did it. But anyway, he was being fascinated with the parents booklet in the ferry. Everyone was strangely quiet and he said 'Eh, to be chosen as an officer, you must consistently show your abilities leh' (i know he really wants my brother to be an officer. p.s. i found out to my horror and amusement that he was once ns man of the year) So when we got to the island we were given a tour around, and at the bunks, our guide said to all the curious family members and friends things like 'As you can see! there is a mosquito net above the bed! this is to prevent mosquito bites!' and 'the cupboard is designed well. it has a drawer for your son to put his personal belongings! he can put his wallet and handphone inside this drawer!' but the funny moment came in the auditorium after the lieutenant colonel (a nice guy, but who said things like 'building brocks' and 'gones are the day' and 'it is very importance') invited the audience to ask questions and this father stood up and said, 'I am for the concept of national service, but it is very discomforting to read of fatalities in the paper. how can you ensure that there will be no torturing and what systems do you have in place...?' Oh what a tickling moment. But no one laughed. And my brother just seemed fine with everything. It felt strange thinking that he was in NS. It is sort of an adventure i guess, going into the forest and firing guns, but a really long one that you have no control over. I just hope he has fun with the people in his section and if he gets tortured I'll kill 'em. He called back earlier and sounded nicer already. I miss him.

'Where boys become men'.....

home

Someone to run with

Today we went out for hours to many places looking at furniture and lights. I got a stained glass purple and blue mosaic hanging ceiling lamp from a man called john and a simple black chandelier (though this word makes it sound grand and pompous) from ikea where we measured bookcases and stood in front of wardrobes feeling sad. (Also saw a punk in a carpark with a mohawk and many piercings, cleaning out his car) This whole idea of a HOME...is so elusive and yet is something everyone has a warm image of inside. A place where you can just be. Maybe the only place in the world you can just be. And it's easy to get so worked up about what is going to be in it and where because that is what makes it your world and the world you are imagining inside and you just want it to look like what you are dreaming of, when actually, all you are yearning for is a peaceful and free feeling, and not exactly the furniture. Maybe it's like how everyone wants to be loved and how, quoting a book, 'Even your yearning for sex is really a dyslexic search for love'. I don't know how all this might explain itself but maybe that's why it makes me sad that no one in my family has any faith in me or my room and almost all think it will look awful and have no bloody fudging theme.

saturday noon

Excusez-moi, Monsieur

1. Baby Ducky got into the big pool last saturday night! After months of frustrating crazy attempts and hoarse throats and too much excitement and children crowding around trying, we finally did it. She wore the fishy body vest I got her for christmas from toy r us for a few dollars, and went to the staircase corner of the big pool. It was the splendid circumstances that finally got her to do it. There happened to be a corner of the big pool where there was a staircase, nicely lit, cosy looking, not big and scary looking. So she went in and dared to go a few steps before I carried her and then soon I was carrying her around the pool and soon just holding her hands, and soon holding her both hands for 3 counts then holding only 1 hand for 3 counts, then 5 counts. She was panting and laughing and shrieking and just behaving like a deranged panicked tickled dog!!!!! Her legs weren't kicking at the back but directly underneath her tiny body. Finally what got her to do it was that we went to this other staircase part of the pool that she could see was shallow but where she just couldnt touch the floor and had to float, so in the end, she did it and was floating around the pool like a crazy puppy and we were 'racing' her. Hurray! It was a historic moment in her 5 years of life.

2. me, shaun and zhon yun watched the mango play last night, modified and directed by desiree for her hall event. It was nostalgic, hilarious, overwhelming and strange.

3. French is so fun i wish there could be nothing but french lessons everyday.

4. I really should be doing my work.