August

How is it that the people who invented the word August or the latin word that became August made it a word of sadness? It sounds like a bursting bloom of bright yellow leaves, crackling and dying after, but in a way that does not invite tears. Same for September; it sounds like a single newly sharpened pencil in Autumn, lying plainly on a school desk. October's a bit better; it feels like a sturdy fire and a fat bowl of soup. I still like July, the time of daisies.

Multi-tasking: when I have to remember and coordinate at least 10 things at once (which I often have to do these days), my brain feels like it is being sliced into many neat and equally sizable pieces, all working hard like hands on a wooden washing board. The feeling still disturbs me, and I think it should. It pushes me towards the mountains and the seas.

Today at a voice workshop my partner (a shy lady probably in her 40s who does yoga and had a glimmering healthy bronze body) had to cup her hands around my ribcage as I breathed. Her hands were like firm bird wings, restraining when I inhaled so I had to breathe and expand slowly against her force, and squeezing when I exhaled, so I had to let as much air out as possible, reducing to a tiny bag. It felt primal, comforting, like I was in a cave. I told the teacher I enjoyed it, because breathing can get quite lonely.

Last night I had a strange and gross dream. I was journeying by myself to a convention, going through overgrown fields with big sad-grand old-modern buildings in them, all alone, somewhat blue, yet strong, till I got to a construction site of sorts, and took the clanging lift, which had metal netting as the floor, and I felt like I had to poop and could not control it and let it out, and it kept coming and coming and then I looked down and there was a sticky big mountain of poop between my feet (this is the first time I have had such a dream). This morning I realized the dream was a premonition when my brother scolded me for leaving chocolate stains in the car.

This evening my little cousin said, 'You know why I ask you so many questions about your future? And what you want to do? Because there are so many possibilities. There's....everything! And it's very exciting.'

Earlier she also said, 'Hmmmmm, I seriously recommend you to become a youtube star.'